How do I choose when both possibilities are good?

"I keep going back and forth. Whichever one I pick, I'm afraid I'll lose the other."

Short answer: The biggest thing that keeps someone stuck is thinking it has to be one or the other. Real choice happens when your awareness branches out and you see a third option.

When I used to go on retreats, it meant time away from my kids. Time away from my family.

I didn't want to miss any important moments. I wanted to be there if they needed me.

It felt like I had to choose. Me, or them.

So much of the time we feel we're making a choice. Between this or that. Between two things we think we want.

I see amazing, incredible people come to me who are genuinely afraid of choosing wrong. They grieve the option they're not picking, even before they pick.

And they ping-pong back and forth between the two.

Thinking about the choices over and over doesn't bring clarity. A lot of times people think they're making a choice, but they're really just ruminating.

The biggest thing that keeps someone stuck is thinking it has to be one or the other.

Life is not about either or. It's about And.

There are not two options for anything in this world. There are countless options.

When it's only one or two, it turns into win-lose. Who's going to win, and who's going to lose? The stress kicks in as the mind considers the loss. And there's so much resistance to making that final choice.

Real choice happens when your awareness branches out and you see a third option. Where something else is possible.

With the retreats, my third option was becoming aware that I was supporting my kids to be independent. Holding them capable of not just surviving, but thriving, without me being there.

It meant letting go of control. Finding a deeper trust in life. In them, to be creative and handle whatever came up. And in myself, to let go of control.

The best way forward is the one where everyone gains. And it may not be either of the two choices first presented.

So what are you really choosing?

Where to place your attention in this moment. This is the real choice: what am I focusing on right now?

It takes being tuned in to your intuitive center, with an open mind at the same time. That kind of tuning in makes what to focus on right now, and the larger choice, very obvious.

One of the juiciest, most satisfying parts of choosing, and you see it in people you admire, is decisiveness. Being so clear about the choice that you make it with speed, and completely drop the non-choice without another thought.

Real choice is empowering and satiating. It builds self-esteem, and it drives life forward.

There is power in having options.

The practice

Try this: find the third choice.

Write down the two things you've been going back and forth between.

Above them, write a third option. One where everyone gains.

Now ask yourself: where does my attention need to be right now?

Put it there, in this moment.

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Sending love,
Wendy

Related letter: How do I stop overthinking and actually move?