If I accept myself, will I ever change?

Loving myself and changing my life feel like they’re pulling in opposite directions. If I accept myself the way I am, what’s left to change? And if I don’t accept myself, I’m too busy feeling bad about myself to change anything.

Last week I told you about the seven days I finally gave myself, one-on-one at a dyslexia correction program, and the number that came with them: on the timed test, I read at a fourth-grade level.

Here’s the part I left out.

Nothing moved until I accepted it.

Not the idea of it. The fact of it. My capacity was limited, my ability had been hindered for decades, and I said yes, that’s true, this is where I am. The moment that landed in my body, the work began. Not before.

A few letters ago I told you about the baseboards, and the house I had to sell while the people I love watched, confused and frustrated. That one came with the same moment. I accepted how challenged I felt, and that it was mine to do anyway.

Accepting yourself isn’t what stops you from changing. It’s the only place change can start from.

I know it doesn’t feel that way, because the question has a trap in it. If I accept myself, there’s nothing to change; I’m fine the way I am. If I don’t accept myself, there’s plenty to change, but the whole view comes with a low-grade heaviness, and heaviness doesn’t move easily. Either way you stay put.

And “I’m fine as I am” is the most respectable way in the world to say no to yourself. Nobody argues with it. It sounds like health. It costs nothing to say and it closes every door quietly. Most of what gets called self-acceptance is that sentence. Somewhere in you, you know it, which is why the question stings.

A great teacher of mine used to say: everything is true on the level it’s on.

So the real question was never whether to accept yourself. It’s what level do you want to live on?

Because there’s a self you can accept that is a lid. An image of you that was never true, built out of thoughts and feelings that aren’t real but have so much history they’ve carved a groove. Accept that self and you’ve agreed to stay in the groove.

And there’s the Self that’s actually here. Your baseline is love. Intelligence. Life force moving through your body minute to minute, every day. Accept that Self and expansion is simply what happens next, because you’ve stopped denying your real Self and your real needs. Nothing has to be forced.

Truly accepting yourself means accepting how beautiful and powerful you are, how many choices are in your hands, and what you can do with them once you take responsibility for them. It means your awareness is positioned where you can see the thoughts and emotions for what they are: momentum, with a lot of history behind it. You participated in carving those paths. You can carve new ones.

Try this: accept your Self.

Take the thing you keep not doing. Under it there’s a sentence that sounds like acceptance. I’m fine. It’s not that important. This is just who I am. Say it out loud and notice your body. If it drops your energy, it isn’t acceptance. It’s the lid.

Then say the true one: I accept that this is where I am. As a fact, not a verdict. Notice what that does. That’s the level the change comes from. Try it once this week.

And when you feel the difference, say what I say to my clients, and to myself: Way to go! And there’s still a way to go. Both are true, on the level they’re on.

That’s what the workshop is for. I’m teaching Mental Media live on Tuesday, September 15: why capable people know exactly what they want and still don’t do it. 11:00 AM Pacific, 2:00 PM Eastern, ninety minutes on Zoom. Your seat is at wendyfalcon.com/mentalmedia

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Sending love,
Wendy